Spacecat: want one. PMS: do not want.

February 25, 2010

It’s a full moon this Sunday. Which, for this transsexual woman means just one thing: PMS.

And the worst thing about it? It isn’t the cramps, or the hot flushes, or the bloating, or the tearfulness, or the wish to snuggle down under the duvet with either a hot water bottle or a purring spacecat for company.

No, the worst thing is knowing that, in a couple of days, all the symptoms will disappear and you’ll feel okay again without having to go through the period itself, the process of shedding your uterine lining.

Because knowing that you don’t have a uterine lining is another of those sudden, stark reminders that you’ll never, ever be able to have children; that you’ll never, ever be a Mum.

4 Responses to “Spacecat: want one. PMS: do not want.”

  1. Addison Says:

    I know how you feel. I’ve got 2 pregnant friends who I’m stupid jealous of. And I’m not really one who WANTS kids. Just the thought I can’t depresses me. *sigh*

    (and I did admit to a cis-friend of mine that I was jealous of her period…and she looked at mr funnily and wondered why I’d want to deal with that.)

    ~Addie

  2. William Says:

    I can very much hear where you’re coming from, Helen.

    I’m a trans man and my relationship with my PMS is odd. It gets me both trangsty and broody. I know that I desperately want to have children, my body then insists on telling me that I could have a baby *oh so easily* if I want one that much and then I remember I’m a MAN and I can hardly cope with the thought that I have a uterus.. I know I wouldn’t be able to cope with using it. I admire whose men who can and do but I have to be realisitic and accept that, no, I can’t. There’s a tiny possibilty that my girlfriend could get me pregnant if we aren’t careful and the thought of having a baby is the most wonderful thing I can imagine whereas the thought of becoming pregnant horrifies me…

    So, yeah, I hate PMS. It reminds me of what I have and don’t want, what I want and can’t have and makes me wonder if I could make a baby whilst making me feel physically sick at the sight of my own body. I hate hormones and the contradictory thoughts they make me think.

    I know this is different to your experiences Helen but I hope it isn’t too irrelevant to tell you about mine.

  3. Helen G Says:

    Addie:

    …she looked at me funnily and wondered why I’d want to deal with that…

    And it’s impossible to explain to anyone who’s never been in the situation!

    William:

    Thanks for stopping by (again!) – not irrelevant at all; it’s interesting to have your insight. Makes you wonder how Thomas Beatie, Ruben Noe Coronado, Scott Moore and other guys got through their pregnancies…

  4. William Says:

    I like it here, I just might stay :)

    I will be a Dad. My fiance and I have decided that we will try to adopt, my girlfriends support us in this decision and we all can only hope that our “lifestyle” will not be used against us. My trans brother (chosen brother) has got someone to agree to be a surrogate for his baby when he and his husband decide they are ready.

    I don’t know how those brave men coped with nine months of hormones, even if they got a baby at the end. I absolutely hate the idea of being infertile but I kind of wish I actually was just so that I wouldn’t associate periods and pregnancy so strongly. If I’m anything like my mother biologically, I’m incredibly fertile and could get pregnant very easily. If I did, I know I couldn’t have an abortion.. I just couldn’t. I know I think about this too much but no method of contraception is 100% efficient and my girlfriend and I could technically make a baby.. ugh. I desperately hope not to have to explain ever that my girlfriend (to whom I am not engaged) has got me pregnant… Sorry. I’ll stop going on about it now.

    Hormones are a blessing and a curse to us trans people, I think. We spend however many years living with the wrong ones until we can get what we know we should have had in the first place. And then (I suspect, I’ve yet to get to that point) find ourselves constantly reminded of the difference between ourselves and cis people by the mere fact that we need to take hormones and they (usually) don’t.

    In dark times, what transsexual person hasn’t found her/his/themself slipping back into that mode of thinking in which cis people are “real” people and we are ourselves only a distorted shadow? It’s not true but so many little things can make us think that way.


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