Mourning the loss of a close family member these past few days has not been an easy experience, but the process has been unexpectedly complicated still further now that I’ve been estranged by my remaining family.
I’m sure I’m not the only transsexual woman to have been through a similar situation; I’m equally sure many have endured far, far worse. But it’s a new experience for me and I’m still metaphorically scratching my head and wondering how I move on from here.
There are some things I’m still processing – not being permitted to visit my father before he died, or to attend his cremation service were both deeply distressing events – but I’m finding ways to deal with them, slowly, quietly.
But the knowledge that I will never see my mother, sister or niece again (my only remaining family) is something I’m still struggling to accept. Ironic, really, given that we’d been as good as estranged for such a long time. I suppose the difference is that it was always in the back of my mind that, maybe one day, somehow, we’d be able to rebuild things. Now I’m getting used to the idea that it’s definitely not going to happen; and that’s harder than I thought. I mean, I’m sure I shall adjust in due course, it just may take a little while.
And why am I making such a personal post on a primarily trans related blog? Because, apparently, this bust-up wouldn’t have happened, had I not transitioned. That is the overwhelming sense I take away from my mother’s last email; being blamed for something, anything, everything. You see, my transitioning has been very hurtful and upsetting to my ex-family, and combined with the further hurt and upset they feel from my Dad’s death, well, it’s all too much for them. And it’s all my fault.
Except it isn’t, and that’s why I want to post this. For myself, as a reminder when I think I’m starting to believe it myself. And for posterity, too, I suppose. For anyone else who goes through a similar thing in the future and is hurting just as badly. I want to say this to you – and to myself: It’s not your fault. Remember that; hold on to it:
It’s. Not. Your. Fault.