I begin to wonder if the increase in cis people’s awareness of TS/TG people has a downside, in that they’re finally beginning to see us everywhere. Kind of like when someone says, “Ooh, there are loads of red cars on the roads these days” and suddenly you start noticing that, yes there are a lot of red cars around. That doesn’t necessarily mean there are more red cars all of a sudden (although I suppose it might), just that you’re suddenly noticing them more because someone’s put the thought, the awareness, in your head.
As far as the increasing visibility of TS/TG people goes, this wouldn’t be so bad if so many cis people didn’t have this obsessive need to point it out, like they’re playing some twisted game of I Spy. But I don’t know if I’m becoming more aware of people doing it to me, or whether they really are doing it more.
I’ve just got back from doing a weekly grocery shop in my local supermarket where two cis men construction workers decided to mention it. The number one favourite phrase: “It’s a tranny”. “It“. Fucksake. “Tranny” is bad enough; “it” just drives the point home that I’m not a member of the human race, that I’m an object with no sense or feeling. And paradoxically it’s always said in an exaggerated stage whisper, deliberately loud enough for me to overhear.
It’s harassment. It’s transphobic. It’s the third time it’s happened to me (that I’m aware of) in the past couple of weeks. And you know what? It’s happened to me so often that it’s gone beyond being just upsetting. It fucking hurts. It hurts like hell. It makes me want to lock myself in the house and never leave it again. It makes me wish I lived somewhere I never had to interact with another cis person ever again. Increasingly it feeds my gathering depression and yes, I’ll say it: it makes me wish I was dead.
What I really don’t understand, though, is why cis men (it seems it’s always cis men, although I’ve no reason to believe cis women don’t do it too) think it’s okay to behave like that. What do they gain from it? Is it some sort of shoring up of their own insecurities, that by pointing out someone who they’ve been brainwashed to think isn’t “normal”, to the point of letting me know I’m some kind of freak with no feelings, they make themselves feel better about their blinkered little lives? Well let me tell you something, guys, if we have to use such divisive language, I have to say that I don’t think it’s me who’s the abnormal freak.
Mostly though, I’d just like to know what kind of cheap thrill you get from telling me I’m trans – Oh really? Well gosh. Thanks for letting me know. Y’know, I’d have had no idea if you hadn’t pointed it out. What kind of sick pleasure do you get from tormenting me – Yes, I’m human too. Why do you do it? What does it achieve? Do you do it to other people too, or is it just “trannies” like me that you pick on?
Cis people, can you tell me why you do it? I’d really like to know.
Other posts in the category Street harassment
- Street harassment is still street harassment – even if it wears a smile on its face and asks for my phone number (November 27, 2009)
- Reclaim The Night: policing the borders of cis feminism (November 25, 2009)
- This is not a trans woman (November 22, 2009)
- Street harassment (August 17, 2009)